Nerding it up, I managed to watch all the major conferences at E3 this year. Here's a summary.
Microsoft
A faceless MS exec opens E3 with some The Beatles Rock Band. A tasty stylised trailer culminates in the usual footage of trippy elephants dancing on a cliff. The 'I Am The Walrus' section looks incredible, but unfortunately the game is instead demo'd with boring old 'Day Tripper'. The plastic guitarist keeps screwing up. Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison briefly appear. McCartney and Ringo prance out. For a brief 'oh god is this actually going to happen' moment the opportunity of some kind of surreal plastic instrument based Beatles reunion arises. Thankfully, disaster is averted. Instead, Ringo cracks a joke about the crappy animation. Faceless Microsoft exec looks worried. McCartney likes his 'android' self. They head off stage to pick up their truckload of cash. Faceless MS exec then proceeds to list some Beatles innovations, inexplicably including 'colour'. Yep kids, they really were that good. Still, the game looks ultra-rad.
However, something very non-ultra-rad follows. A visibly embarrassed Tony Hawk shuffles on stage, holding a plastic skateboard like a used condom. He then proceeds to demonstrate Tony Hawk's Ride. It's retarded beyond belief. Ashamed, Hawk exits stage left.
Next, a man wanders on to play some Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Angry soldiers shooting things ain't really my bag, but there's a fair few fans of the 'original', aka Call of Duty 4. Things start badly, with the player spending an eternity in a semi-interactive climbing a cliff segment. Once at the top he begins running around shooting people. Yawn. Next he jumps on a snowmobile for the token vehicle section, albeit one that screams last-gen mediocrity-fest 007: Nightfire. All in all it's breathtakingly dull, although no doubt twelve year olds who like screeching “faggot” over Xbox Live will lap it up.
Now a quick fest of new titles kicks off with Final Fantasy XIII. An utterly confusing and vaguely depressing battle sequence is shown. Well, that's Final Fantasy for you. Shadow Complex, aka Gears of War 2D, follows. It's so unimaginative that the universe practically implodes under the weight of its own brain deadery. Then, a quick one-two hit of pre-rendered Crackdown 2 and Left 4 Dead 2 footage, and Joy Ride revealed as an avatar driven freebie. A demo of the new Splinter Cell stuns the world by not being The Most Boring Game Ever, instead showing off a few vaguely interesting innovations.
Forza Motorsport 3 is'wheeled' (lololol) out and gets lengthy stage time for some reason. The guy calls it 'the defining racing game of this generation' at least eight times. It looks exactly the same as Forza 2. A hilarious movie is unleashed, in which people talk about the impact Forza's decal editor has had on their lives. Dear god. Then Forza 3 gets a trailer, showing cars 'dancing' to Los Campesinos. Dear, dear god.
Never mind that though, because HEY DUDE YOU LIKE HALO?? Have some spin-offs in your face then, as a man from Bungie reveals Halo: ODST and Halo: Reach. Nothing actually shown from the latter though, but the former gets a demo. The player runs around a brown bridge hitting switches. The AI shouts “HIT THOSE SWITCHES” over and over again. Bullets fly from invisible assailants. Jittery cut scenes interrupt the action repeatedly. It looks like hell. Guy from Bungie fights back the tears.
If that wasn't disappointing enough, a play through of a, *gasp*, ORIGINAL title, Alan Wake, reveals it to be a shitty Resident Evil 4 clone, rather than the subtle psychological horror hoped for. Alan Wake is shown shooting endlessly spawning monsters. The cable car bit from Resi 4 is lifted wholesale. I renounce video games forever.
Twitter/Facebook/LastFM are announced for Xbox Live. Er, cool? Sky Sports is also hitting, with 'test cricket' as one of its selling points. The LA audience doesn't react. What's up guys, not fans of TEST CRICKET?
Test cricket nut Hideo Kojima is trotted out to confirm Metal Gear Solid Rising. It's a spin-off, it stars Raiden, and it's also coming out on PS3, but this doesn't stop the faceless MS exec claiming Xbox is now “whole again” in some weird pseudo-sexual Atomic Kitten reference. Scary.
It's the big moment now though, with the infamous Project Natal whipped out. It's like a Wii, just without a controller. A woman hits balls, a man paints an elephant. This is the future of interactive entertainment. Spielberg pops out to say ''this is the future of interactive entertainment.'' Then Peter Molyneux jogs on to present a pre-filmed demonstration of Milo. You interact with a child. See the internet for many jokes about this. And that's it.
Nintendo
So, all eyes on NINTENDO then. 'Cammie Dunaway' is on stage in a white trouser suit. “Everyone is playing games” she drones, clearly dead behind the eyes. Still, the first game of a conference is always important, and it seems New Super Mario Bros. Wii is gonna be Ninty's big 'un. But: a lazy port of a ye olde DS game? Oh dear.
This diversion over, Cammie continues to suppress any glimmer of emotion, grimly intoning that Wii Fit is the best selling video game in the world RIGHT NOW. It's getting a sequel, Wii Fit Plus. Who is buying this stuff?
Ninty are failing in epic fashion, so the million times more charismatic Reggie leaps onstage to wave around the 'Wii MotionPlus'. You stick it on the end of your Wii Remote and it, er, makes it a bit better? Reggie doesn't clarify. Wii Sports Resort is shown which, while as throwaway as the previous 'five-minutes-on-golf-at-Christmas-then-thrown-into-the-cupboard-for-the-rest-of-the-year' iteration, will no doubt rack up sales in the bazillions. Before taking each other on at the basketball mini game Reggie has some awkward banter with one of the developers of the game. The audience can practically smell the sexual tension which, when combined with the stupidly long loading times, leads to the two having to actually improvise their 'disses'. Excruciating.
And the torture continues with a new Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles. Why/how/please no? Meanwhile, Mario and Luigi: Bowsers Inside Story sees the brothers trapped in Bowsers bowels. What? Golden Sun DS is a nice surprise though. If it's half as good as the GBA versions, it should be pretty sweet.
Stop press! Women’s Murder Club is announced. Sadly, it's not a lorry driving sim, but actually some thang based on James Patterson's production line of trashy crime fiction. Equally bizarre is Cop: The Recruit. Meanwhile, Style Savvy's title alone tells its own deeply disturbing story.
Cammie is back on now, apparently lots of DSi's have been sold. OK then. Mario vs. Donkey Kong: Minis March Again and New Wario Ware are coming. They don't look very good. Train obsessed spin-off The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks sorta does though, in a weird way.
Chortles follow, with Ninty president Satoru Iwata demonstrating the 'Wii Vitality Sensor.' You stick your finger in it and it measures your heart rate. No explanation of how or why this needs to exist is given, although the internet lights up with gags revolving around sticking other objects in it. LOL!
Cammie returns, hoping to appease the hardcore. Super Mario Galaxy 2! It should be exciting, but in reality just looks like a map pack rather than a true sequel. The Conduit! The kind of generic FPS you would utterly ignore if it was on 360. Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles! Popular franchise gets shitty lightgun spin-off. Dead Space Extraction! Ditto. Metroid: Other M! Very bad looking PS1-style beat 'em up desecrates cherished brand. Cammie walks off, the lights come up. Oh Nintendo, what have you become.
Sony
Cut to Sony where some guy who looks like George from Seinfeld is running onto the stage. He cracks a joke or two. The auditorium is silent. George from Seinfeld is sweating. He mentions how nervous he is. Hey dude, maybe you could measure your heart rate with the Wii Vitality Sensor? He doesn't. Lots of sale figures are shown, yet no-one mentions that PS3 is currently dead last. The audience whoops loudly. Sony paid them to do this. I'm not kidding.
A demo of Uncharted 2: Among Thieves is booted up. There's lots of explosions and people shooting things and things shooting people. A helicopter fires crazy shit at the player, but its OK because he's taken cover behind a wooden table. It's boring, but the hired guns in the auditorium go crazy. The player clambering over a ledge is greeted like Caesar returning to Rome.
Next up, online FPS MAG is rolled out. It's brown and people are shooting things. I feel ill just watching it. “The player can select from over 25 different weapons!” cries the developer, seemingly unaware that this is the last thing in the world I would ever want to do.
Thankfully, MAG is quickly kicked off stage. A pink Hannah Montana PSP is announced. Embarrassingly, Sony's whores in the crowd go crazy. Everyone else cringes so hard their jaw shatters and they end up looking like Roger Ebert. Slightly bigger news follows: a redesigned PSP subtitled Go! is launching. This meets with a more muted reaction than Hannah Montana.
Gran Turismo for PSP is 'announced' even though it was like five years ago. No-one cares about Gran Turismo anymore so, naturally, Sony wheels out its Japanese creator for an interminable speech. His translator is wearing a fleece. Indoors. In June. In LA. Lots of stats about numbers of cars and tracks are bandied about. It's eye-wateringly tedious.
Still, look whose here! Having spent the night with Microsoft, Hideo Kojima is back in Sony's arms. He confirms Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker for PSP. The graphics look terrible and it's the same game you've been playing for over a decade now, but hey! Following these Gran Turismo and Metal Gear Solid announcements, Sony continues to timewarp viewers back to 1998 with a Resident Evil for PSP. Zzz. Then a trailer for a bunch more PSP games, i.e. feature stripped ports of games you can already play on your TV. Won't this format just die already.
Back to PS3 and George is excited because Final Fantasy VII is in-bound. At this point I really do start to freak out and think that I've hit some anomaly in the time-space vortex. Thankfully, footage of PS3 interface disaster Home brings us all back to the 21st century with a depressing thud. It's Second Life, only even more sordid and unusable. George grins, though even the bought members of the crowd can't muster any enthusiasm for that car crash. Still, another trailer is quickly bunged in the projector, a montage of various forthcoming PS3 games. I see angry bald men shooting other angry bald men, angry bald men hitting other angry bald men and a grinning family playing plastic instruments in their minimalist house. So, video games then.
Assassin's Creed II is demo'd. It's set in Renaissance Venice, hence I was briefly interested, or at least until the words 'Leonardo Da Vinci' and 'gives you weapons' were put together. WHY VIDEO GAMES, WHY??? Next up: Agent, Final Fantasy XIV (already??), and, shudder, Gran Turismo 5 are exclusive to PS3. You could probably hear my MEH from LA.
Things are getting dull so the obligatory motion controller puts in an appearance. Some dude and a Norman Bates lookalike come out to pretend they're having fun while wrestling with twitchy crosshairs in sub-PS1 minigames. Bates and friend are described as the 'creative minds' of the project. Considering it's a Wii remote with a ball on the end, that 'creativity' wasn't stretched too far. They swing around virtual golf clubs and do some archery. You've seen it all before and it's shit.
Aside from motion controllers, what the world really needs more of are Mario Kart clones. Luckily, it seems PS3 will soon be blessed with Modnation Racers. A veeeeeeery long demo ensues, that takes an age to basically say it's got a track editor. To be seen in a bargain bin near you three weeks after release.
Then! Just as E3 seems to have offered nothing interesting since The Beatles Rock Band way back when, the new Team Ico game is shown. It's called The Last Guardian. Stunning. No guns, no waving around silly peripherals, no 'gritty' realism, just beautiful art and buckets of promise. Best in show. Unfortunately, rather than end on this fabulous note, Sony spoils everything with a God of War 3 demo. Boring violence, mindless gameplay and no discernible advance over its equally moronic predecessor. A suitable note for E3 to end on.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Albums of 08
To the delight of approximately no-one, the annual fest of list-based tedium is back! The original version can be seen on my LastFM profile, and someone actually cared this year! YAY.
Right, just quickly need to name check a few records not strictly eligible for the proper thing, but that were pretty damn cool nonetheless. Animal Collective win EP of the year for 'Water Curses' (MPP is immense btw), just beating out an endless stream of ace efforts by Jay Retard (now compiled on two LPs) and Trail of Dead's 'Festival Tyhme'. Er, what else. Well, tasty deluxe reissues are pretty much the only CDs worth buying these days, so twas nice that some classics by Mission of Burma, the Replacements and Pavement got the premium treatment. The worst album of the year award meanwhile, is probably heading to either Blackmarket's obscure shitefest self-titled or that frankly offensive Kings of Leon effort. The Red Album lol.
On with the list!
50. Dr Dog - Fate
A tasty summery record, it may all be downhill after 'The Breeze', but what a downhill it is.
49. The Fall - Imperial Wax Solvent
48. Johann Johannsson - Fordlandia
Defining record of the film score-meets-classical music-meets Sigur Ros genre. You 'erd!
47. Black Mountain - In The Future
Big riffs and wailing.
46. Paavoharju - Laulu Laakson Kukista
Hm, what is it? Neofolk, experimental, ambient? Strange stoof.
45. Flying Lotus - Los Angeles
Dark and glitchy take on dance. May take a fair bit of patience to get into, it's worth it though.
44. Late of the Pier - Fantasy Black Channel
Teeters periously close to the glam edge, although thankfully a healthy dose of Klaxons turns things around.
43. Department of Eagles - In Ear Park
Does a similar kind of thing to that grey as hell Fleet Foxes record, except this is, y'know, actually interesting.
42. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
Hipster points +1
41. Fuck Buttons - Street Horrrsing
True, 'Sweet Love for Planet Earth' utterly rapes the rest of the record, but it is one of the greatest songs EVER.
40. Grouper - Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill
Albini would be fuming, there's reverb everywhere on this 'un.
39. The Bug - London Zoo
Not usually my kinda scene, but this is the exception.
38. Johnny Foreigner - Waited Up 'Til It Was Light
Get some kind of quality control. A host of fantastic ideas buried in an epic runtime of sugar rock.
37. Half Man Half Biscuit - CSI Ambleside
'Took problem chimp to Ideal Home Show'. LOL!
36. Beck - Modern Guilt
Compact records ftw! Not a weak track to be seen in a super slim runtime.
35. The Tallest Man on Earth - Shallow Graves
OK, comparing a folk record to Dylan may be a cliche of mindmelting proportions but...this is very Dylan-esque.
34. Nine Inch Nails - The Slip
Tempting to just listen to 'Discipline' until the end of time, but if you can get past that there's a good effort lurking.
33. Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours
32. M83 - Saturdays = Youth
31. Los Campesinos! - Hold on Now, Youngster / We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed
Two albums in twelve months from the Marmite band of the year. Manic yelps accompany an explosion of twee. COOL.
30. Wolf Parade - At Mount Zoomer
Released to critical indifference earlier this year, although to be fair following up one of the albums of the decade wasn't going to be an easy task. They did a good job considering, IMO.
29. Bloc Party - Intimacy
28. Slipknot - All Hope Is Gone
P-S-Y-C-H-O-S-O-C-I-A-L
27. Breeders - Mountain Battles
26. Q-Tip - The Renaissance
Chillaxed effort from ex-A Tribe Called Quest-er. I'm a sucker for cheesy hip-hop, hence 'You' being slammed on the 08 mixtape.
25. Mountain Goats - Heretic Pride
Millionth rendition of the trademark hyperliterate lyrics and nasal vocals. Somehow still not getting old.
24. Death Cab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs
Death Cab eh? Should be terrible but...'Grapevine Fires'...
23. dEUS - Vantage Point
dEUS outside the top 5?? It's good but pales in comparison to their peerless 90s output.
22. Bound Stems - The Family Afloat
Lurvely mellowed out take on early Modest Mouse, with some nice backing vocals. WINSTON!
21. Boston Spaceships - Brown Submarine
Token slot on these lists for a Pollard-related release duly filled. Very entertaining stuff, even if Bob's songwriting hasn't really progressed since 'Isolation Drills'.
20. Metallica - Death Magnetic
One of the biggest bands in the world continues to take inspiration from Father's 'knocking on a door' approach to drum recording. LOVE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD. Morrissey must be turning in his grave.
19. Subtle - ExitingARM
More quality 'is it/isn't it' hip-hop from the Anticon stable. Doseone is on top form, as is particularly evident during the opening four tracks.
18. Blitzen Trapper - Furr
Rapid sequel to last years 'Wild Mountain Nation' (which went top 5 in the 2007 list fact fans!). Not as ragged or varied as that record, which some boring people might prefer.
17. Drive-By Truckers - Brighter Than Creation's Dark
Some epic countryified rock for ya. The solo's are tasty, the licks great and there's some nice Southern lyrical stylings going down too.
16. Euros Childs - Cheer Gone
I'm a big fan of this record, hence this.
15. Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks - Real Emotional Trash
It's a grower! Plus a significant improvement on the pretty dismal 'Face the Truth.'
14. Portishead - Third
Endlessly impressive comeback record. In many regards it is surprisingly varied too, although without once losing that distinct Portishead sound.
13. David Bryne and Brian Eno - Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
''This groove is out of fashion, these beats are twenty years old.'' Only point of this record where the two old-timers get it wrong. Brilliant stuff.
12. Crystal Castles - Crystal Castles
ALICE PRACTICE
11. Deerhunter - Microcastle
A straightforward Deerhunter record?? This sounds very much like one, goooooood stuff.
Right, just quickly need to name check a few records not strictly eligible for the proper thing, but that were pretty damn cool nonetheless. Animal Collective win EP of the year for 'Water Curses' (MPP is immense btw), just beating out an endless stream of ace efforts by Jay Retard (now compiled on two LPs) and Trail of Dead's 'Festival Tyhme'. Er, what else. Well, tasty deluxe reissues are pretty much the only CDs worth buying these days, so twas nice that some classics by Mission of Burma, the Replacements and Pavement got the premium treatment. The worst album of the year award meanwhile, is probably heading to either Blackmarket's obscure shitefest self-titled or that frankly offensive Kings of Leon effort. The Red Album lol.
On with the list!
50. Dr Dog - Fate
A tasty summery record, it may all be downhill after 'The Breeze', but what a downhill it is.
49. The Fall - Imperial Wax Solvent
48. Johann Johannsson - Fordlandia
Defining record of the film score-meets-classical music-meets Sigur Ros genre. You 'erd!
47. Black Mountain - In The Future
Big riffs and wailing.
46. Paavoharju - Laulu Laakson Kukista
Hm, what is it? Neofolk, experimental, ambient? Strange stoof.
45. Flying Lotus - Los Angeles
Dark and glitchy take on dance. May take a fair bit of patience to get into, it's worth it though.
44. Late of the Pier - Fantasy Black Channel
Teeters periously close to the glam edge, although thankfully a healthy dose of Klaxons turns things around.
43. Department of Eagles - In Ear Park
Does a similar kind of thing to that grey as hell Fleet Foxes record, except this is, y'know, actually interesting.
42. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
Hipster points +1
41. Fuck Buttons - Street Horrrsing
True, 'Sweet Love for Planet Earth' utterly rapes the rest of the record, but it is one of the greatest songs EVER.
40. Grouper - Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill
Albini would be fuming, there's reverb everywhere on this 'un.
39. The Bug - London Zoo
Not usually my kinda scene, but this is the exception.
38. Johnny Foreigner - Waited Up 'Til It Was Light
Get some kind of quality control. A host of fantastic ideas buried in an epic runtime of sugar rock.
37. Half Man Half Biscuit - CSI Ambleside
'Took problem chimp to Ideal Home Show'. LOL!
36. Beck - Modern Guilt
Compact records ftw! Not a weak track to be seen in a super slim runtime.
35. The Tallest Man on Earth - Shallow Graves
OK, comparing a folk record to Dylan may be a cliche of mindmelting proportions but...this is very Dylan-esque.
34. Nine Inch Nails - The Slip
Tempting to just listen to 'Discipline' until the end of time, but if you can get past that there's a good effort lurking.
33. Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours
32. M83 - Saturdays = Youth
31. Los Campesinos! - Hold on Now, Youngster / We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed
Two albums in twelve months from the Marmite band of the year. Manic yelps accompany an explosion of twee. COOL.
30. Wolf Parade - At Mount Zoomer
Released to critical indifference earlier this year, although to be fair following up one of the albums of the decade wasn't going to be an easy task. They did a good job considering, IMO.
29. Bloc Party - Intimacy
This new one is quite good.
28. Slipknot - All Hope Is Gone
P-S-Y-C-H-O-S-O-C-I-A-L
27. Breeders - Mountain Battles
The slow drip feed of Breeders albums continues. Only two songs exceed three minutes, always a pleasant approach.
26. Q-Tip - The Renaissance
Chillaxed effort from ex-A Tribe Called Quest-er. I'm a sucker for cheesy hip-hop, hence 'You' being slammed on the 08 mixtape.
25. Mountain Goats - Heretic Pride
Millionth rendition of the trademark hyperliterate lyrics and nasal vocals. Somehow still not getting old.
24. Death Cab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs
Death Cab eh? Should be terrible but...'Grapevine Fires'...
23. dEUS - Vantage Point
dEUS outside the top 5?? It's good but pales in comparison to their peerless 90s output.
22. Bound Stems - The Family Afloat
Lurvely mellowed out take on early Modest Mouse, with some nice backing vocals. WINSTON!
21. Boston Spaceships - Brown Submarine
Token slot on these lists for a Pollard-related release duly filled. Very entertaining stuff, even if Bob's songwriting hasn't really progressed since 'Isolation Drills'.
20. Metallica - Death Magnetic
One of the biggest bands in the world continues to take inspiration from Father's 'knocking on a door' approach to drum recording. LOVE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD. Morrissey must be turning in his grave.
19. Subtle - ExitingARM
More quality 'is it/isn't it' hip-hop from the Anticon stable. Doseone is on top form, as is particularly evident during the opening four tracks.
18. Blitzen Trapper - Furr
Rapid sequel to last years 'Wild Mountain Nation' (which went top 5 in the 2007 list fact fans!). Not as ragged or varied as that record, which some boring people might prefer.
17. Drive-By Truckers - Brighter Than Creation's Dark
Some epic countryified rock for ya. The solo's are tasty, the licks great and there's some nice Southern lyrical stylings going down too.
16. Euros Childs - Cheer Gone
I'm a big fan of this record, hence this.
15. Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks - Real Emotional Trash
It's a grower! Plus a significant improvement on the pretty dismal 'Face the Truth.'
14. Portishead - Third
Endlessly impressive comeback record. In many regards it is surprisingly varied too, although without once losing that distinct Portishead sound.
13. David Bryne and Brian Eno - Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
''This groove is out of fashion, these beats are twenty years old.'' Only point of this record where the two old-timers get it wrong. Brilliant stuff.
12. Crystal Castles - Crystal Castles
ALICE PRACTICE
11. Deerhunter - Microcastle
A straightforward Deerhunter record?? This sounds very much like one, goooooood stuff.
10. Gang Gang Dance - Saint Dymphna
Gloriously messy album. Cohesiveness far from the point here, with even bizarre internet rumours of a garage MC coming true.
Gloriously messy album. Cohesiveness far from the point here, with even bizarre internet rumours of a garage MC coming true.
09. Okkervil River - The Stand-Ins
Part two of last years fun 'The Stage Names', Okkervil continue to release consistently great records. Although hopefully the next album will move away from the ironic sorta-thing they got going, and back into the passion of magnum-opus 'Black Sheep Boy.'
Part two of last years fun 'The Stage Names', Okkervil continue to release consistently great records. Although hopefully the next album will move away from the ironic sorta-thing they got going, and back into the passion of magnum-opus 'Black Sheep Boy.'
08. Of Montreal - Skeletal Lamping
Even by Of Montreal standards this is utter insanity. Completely divided opinions on release, I'm personally a big fan.
Even by Of Montreal standards this is utter insanity. Completely divided opinions on release, I'm personally a big fan.
07. The Hold Steady - Stay Positive
EPIC GROWER! Utterly loathed this on the first few listens, now it's quite possibly my second favourite 'Steady album. The solo on 'Lord, I'm Discouraged'...mmm....
06. Mogwai - The Hawk is Howling
Amazing how the sound of Mogwai treading water can still go top ten. This band be too damn good. Blur: are shite indeed.
05. Silver Jews - Lookout Mountain, Lookout Sea
Haha, haven't seen this in too many top tens this year, but, hey, I'm kinda biased. Still, 'Suffering Jukebox' is the new Best Song Ever. Nice cover art too.
Haha, haven't seen this in too many top tens this year, but, hey, I'm kinda biased. Still, 'Suffering Jukebox' is the new Best Song Ever. Nice cover art too.
04. Sigur Rós - Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust
OK, they really are making a concerted effort to sell out now (4 minute singles, I mean really?) and it's not going to be joining the likes of 'Ágætis byrjun', '( )' or even 'Takk...' on any greatest album ever lists, but, like Silver Jews, I'm just waaay too biased towards old faves.
OK, they really are making a concerted effort to sell out now (4 minute singles, I mean really?) and it's not going to be joining the likes of 'Ágætis byrjun', '( )' or even 'Takk...' on any greatest album ever lists, but, like Silver Jews, I'm just waaay too biased towards old faves.
03. No Age - Nouns
The perfect antidote to all that putrid Decemberists-style rank, some tasty noise that makes you want to smack Colin Meloy in his smug Elizabethan face.
The perfect antidote to all that putrid Decemberists-style rank, some tasty noise that makes you want to smack Colin Meloy in his smug Elizabethan face.
02. TV on the Radio - Dear Science
Screw the backlash, it's ultra rad. OK, that song may steer dangerously close to Coldplay waters, but it's merely a single guilty pleasure in a sea of ALTERNATIVE RESPECT.
Screw the backlash, it's ultra rad. OK, that song may steer dangerously close to Coldplay waters, but it's merely a single guilty pleasure in a sea of ALTERNATIVE RESPECT.
01. Why? - Alopecia
This record could keep anyone in MSN names for a year.
“I never said I didn't have syphilis, Miss”
“Sucking dick for drink tickets at the free bar at my cousins bar mitzvah”
“Just another Sunday paddle boat ride on a man made lake”
“I'll suck the marrow out and rape your hollow bones”
“Sending sexy SMS messages to my ex's new man”
“Sometimes I claim to know a guy, but I couldn't tell you what his hands look like.”
“Could your anger be mapped into an interpretative dance to a trip-hop track?”
“I feel like a loop of the last eight frames of film, before a slow motion Lee Harvey Oswald gets shot in the gut and killed”
“In Berlin I saw two men fuck in the dark corner of a basketball court, just a slight jangle of pocket change pulsing”
“Rain goes perfect with a Nosdam mixtape”
“Even though I haven't seen you in years, yours is a funeral I'd fly to from anywhere”
“Filming my own fake death, under an '88 Cavalier I go”
“I curse the last six months I've been hiding behind a moustache.”
“Today you're twenty-five, I made you something fine, it's in the palm of my new hand.”
Masterpiece number three for Yoni and co.
Monday, November 03, 2008
F1 2008
Jaja, y'all know Hamilton won the thing, but what's more important is that for the second season in a row the title race went down to the wire. Or to be more specific: down to the last corner of the last lap of the last race of the season. Those recurring nightmares of seeing Schumacher and Barichello switching positions according to whose turn it was to win that week are now completely banished.
Part of the reason for F1's new found competitiveness lies with the slightly fortuitous nature of the spread of drivers. Firstly, Massa and Hamilton, who, in the shape of the Ferrari and Mclaren had by far the best cars on the grid, lack the consistency that previous championship contenders have displayed. Although Massa has made huge advances in reducing the errors that blighted his Sauber days, there is still the nagging sensation that he may lose his concentration at any moment. Hamilton, who it must be remembered is still a novice in many ways, is also prone to the odd mistake. For example, witness him getting distracted by Kubica, running wide, and allowing Vettel to take 5th position in Brazil.
That Massa and Hamilton were the two battling it out for the title is more down to the teams a number of arguably superior drivers are placed at. It's difficult to argue against the suggestion that Alonso is a better driver than either Massa or Hamilton, just look at his two world championships and wins in Singapore and Japan this year, yet he spent the entirety of this season stuck in a very ordinary Renault car. Then there's the likes of Vettel at Toro-Rosso and Kubica at BMW Sauber, both excellent young drivers, arguably capable of greater consistency than either of Hamilton or Massa, but whom ultimately cannot hope to compete with the superior abilities of a Mclaren or Ferrari.
What's really surprising is that these drivers are toiling away at medicore teams while the frankly shocking Heikki Kovalainen gets a Mclaren drive. The Finn spent 2008 behind the wheel of a car as good as Lewis Hamilton's, yet managed to finish the season in a really quite dismal 7th position. The blame for this partly lies with his clear status as the second string driver at Mclaren, yet many times this year Hamilton was left fighting two Ferrari's at the front by himself, while his teammate was stuck a few laps back getting overtaken by a Toyota or something retarded. Thanks to Kovalainen's ineptitude Ferrari comfortably won the constructor's crown, and Ron Dennis really should be considering the Finn's future at Mclaren, especially with a number of completely superior drivers on the market.
Still, F1 2009 should be epic. Renault are widely tipped to produce a car that can upset the Ferrari-Mclaren monopoly, BMW Sauber are getting stronger by the year, and Honda may yet even pull it out of the bag. The only downside is the frankly disgraceful manipulation of the race calender. Not content with neutering Spa and Hockenheim, the FIA have now rid themselves of France and Canada. This is rendered even more tragic by the knowledge that this action has most likely been taken to free up more slots for processions around Middle Eastern industrial estates. These new circuits are just so, so, dull. Getting up at 6am to watch a pathetic Chinese Grand Prix was not one of the highlights of my year. The only exception to this depressing rule is Singapore, where the novelty of a night race and the street circuit format made for a brilliant grand prix this year.
And the comedy was consistently there. David Coulthard's crash in qualifying at the Monaco GP was incredibly LOL, although really a 'you had to see it' moment. He randomly accelerated into a wall, and then proceeded to steer his sliding wreck of a vehicle down a hill and past the camera in a slo-mo wah-wah-waaah way. Massa driving off with the fuel hose attached, and then a load of fat Ferrari mechanics running after him was more universally acknowledged as funny. And then there was the video of the Ferrari team celebrating winning the world title...only for their faces to morph into shock as they realised Hamilton had won the title, thanks to Timo Glock being unable to drive around a corner at more than 10mph. ROFL. Here's to 2009! Oh, and the Codemasters F1 360 game which, along with Beatles Rock Band, will probably keep me entertained until the end of time.
Part of the reason for F1's new found competitiveness lies with the slightly fortuitous nature of the spread of drivers. Firstly, Massa and Hamilton, who, in the shape of the Ferrari and Mclaren had by far the best cars on the grid, lack the consistency that previous championship contenders have displayed. Although Massa has made huge advances in reducing the errors that blighted his Sauber days, there is still the nagging sensation that he may lose his concentration at any moment. Hamilton, who it must be remembered is still a novice in many ways, is also prone to the odd mistake. For example, witness him getting distracted by Kubica, running wide, and allowing Vettel to take 5th position in Brazil.
That Massa and Hamilton were the two battling it out for the title is more down to the teams a number of arguably superior drivers are placed at. It's difficult to argue against the suggestion that Alonso is a better driver than either Massa or Hamilton, just look at his two world championships and wins in Singapore and Japan this year, yet he spent the entirety of this season stuck in a very ordinary Renault car. Then there's the likes of Vettel at Toro-Rosso and Kubica at BMW Sauber, both excellent young drivers, arguably capable of greater consistency than either of Hamilton or Massa, but whom ultimately cannot hope to compete with the superior abilities of a Mclaren or Ferrari.
What's really surprising is that these drivers are toiling away at medicore teams while the frankly shocking Heikki Kovalainen gets a Mclaren drive. The Finn spent 2008 behind the wheel of a car as good as Lewis Hamilton's, yet managed to finish the season in a really quite dismal 7th position. The blame for this partly lies with his clear status as the second string driver at Mclaren, yet many times this year Hamilton was left fighting two Ferrari's at the front by himself, while his teammate was stuck a few laps back getting overtaken by a Toyota or something retarded. Thanks to Kovalainen's ineptitude Ferrari comfortably won the constructor's crown, and Ron Dennis really should be considering the Finn's future at Mclaren, especially with a number of completely superior drivers on the market.
Still, F1 2009 should be epic. Renault are widely tipped to produce a car that can upset the Ferrari-Mclaren monopoly, BMW Sauber are getting stronger by the year, and Honda may yet even pull it out of the bag. The only downside is the frankly disgraceful manipulation of the race calender. Not content with neutering Spa and Hockenheim, the FIA have now rid themselves of France and Canada. This is rendered even more tragic by the knowledge that this action has most likely been taken to free up more slots for processions around Middle Eastern industrial estates. These new circuits are just so, so, dull. Getting up at 6am to watch a pathetic Chinese Grand Prix was not one of the highlights of my year. The only exception to this depressing rule is Singapore, where the novelty of a night race and the street circuit format made for a brilliant grand prix this year.
And the comedy was consistently there. David Coulthard's crash in qualifying at the Monaco GP was incredibly LOL, although really a 'you had to see it' moment. He randomly accelerated into a wall, and then proceeded to steer his sliding wreck of a vehicle down a hill and past the camera in a slo-mo wah-wah-waaah way. Massa driving off with the fuel hose attached, and then a load of fat Ferrari mechanics running after him was more universally acknowledged as funny. And then there was the video of the Ferrari team celebrating winning the world title...only for their faces to morph into shock as they realised Hamilton had won the title, thanks to Timo Glock being unable to drive around a corner at more than 10mph. ROFL. Here's to 2009! Oh, and the Codemasters F1 360 game which, along with Beatles Rock Band, will probably keep me entertained until the end of time.
Monday, October 13, 2008
FIFA 2009 vs. Pro Evolution Soccer 2009
A few years ago comparing E! A! Sports! 'soccer' franchise with the might of Pro Evo was a bit like making an ant with a brain tumour fight a van. However, the last few iterations of PES, on the next-gen formats at least, have been so face gnawingly abysmal that this year FIFA effectively has an open goal. To extend this torturous metaphor even further, can EA score??
First up, as any fourteen year old Games Master reader knows, teh grafix are everything. In this regard both games should taste the shame. FIFA's players bear the uncanniest resemblance to the House of the Dead zombies since the childhood trauma that was the terrifying approximation of Tim Henman in Virtua Tennis. An intro sequence depicting a John Terry with cardboard legs and eyeballs rolling into the back of his skull does little to further the FIFA cause. In fairness though, close-cam replays and some nice cutaways of players getting bitchy are impressive. Meanwhile, over in PES-land, Seabass and co are attempting to disprove the evidence of every sane persons eyesight by presenting us with a black Christiano Ronaldo. Er, what? Not satisfied with this, the bods at Konami have also transported all Pro Evo matches to Tatooine, two suns surely being the only reasonable explanation for the unearthly shadows and bizarre lighting effects on display. If you want to imagine what Pro Evo looks like, think of a budget PC game from 1998 with all the visual settings turned down to very low.
Away from graphics and, again, neither game is exactly mind melting in its awesomeness. The menus on display in FIFA are dark, endless and cluttered. Cutaways to a cardboard crowd so 2D it would shame Sega Worldwide Soccer are also inadvisable. This, however, is nothing compared to the sheer levels of ineptitude on display in Pro Evo. Last years version, of course, had two of the most retarded design decisions ever to sully the name of video games. Firstly, Konami decided a pleasant, normal view for penalties, where everyone could see clearly what was going on, was not acceptable. Oh no, obviously it would be preferable to place the camera in the bottom right hand corner of the goal net. Oh, sweet Jesus. Thanks to this 'sensational' innovation neither the penalty taker nor goalkeeper could see more than half the goal. Furthermore, if the ball was saved, or hit the post, the game would take a few moments to switch back to the normal view, meaning the ball would be effectively sitting in the goalmouth, with no-one able to do anything. Head-implodingly moronic. Oh, and they also made it so that the players form icons were the same colour as the menu. To approximately no-one's amazement this made them unreadable. I know, who'd a-thought it? Brilliant. Actually brilliant. Anyways, the big presentation innovations of PES this year are to remove these features. That's right, they are roughly right back where they were two years ago. Really pushing the football genre forward there guys.
Back in terms of gameplay, FIFA owns PES so brutally hard it hurts. PES has actually reached the point where it can't even scrape mediocrity any more, it is simply just shit in its purest form. Let's check list the PES 'features' that STILL haven't been fixed. Inexplicable imposition of an invisible wall around throw-ins? Check. Only eight possible directions despite analogue being invented last millenium? Check. Goalkeepers who like to fumble the ball more often than a 49 year old Neville Southall? Check. Team mates standing stock still when you're practically on your knees begging them to fucking just make a run? Check. Angles from which you always score? Check. Players that look like they're having an epileptic fit when sprinting? Check. Commentary so shit you want to weep? Check. Pitches on which you can't see the ball? Check. The computer passing around its back four for half an hour only to then score from a corner? Check. The 'football' having all the physics of a balloon? Check. The game just being so utterly and completely broken that it makes you question your own sanity? Check.
FIFA, on the other hand, has none of these problems. It feels like some kind of approximation of real football at least, unlike PES which frankly could be simulating the underwater hermaphrodite long-jump for all its realism. FIFA also has Carlisle United, enabling everyone to live the five straight defeats dream.
Basically, FIFA is actually pretty good. It's fun to play, reasonably reminiscent of actual football, and has a lot of features. Tonnes of lower league teams, everything fully licensed and excellent online support (such as the ability to play 11v11). PES, on the other hand, has only a handful of licensed teams, so look out for such titans of the English game as 'Lake District United' striding out at the feared cauldron that is 'Trad Brick Stadium'. And, if its anything like every Pro Evo ever, it will be borderline unplayable online, with lag, broken game modes and ten year old Man Utd fans quitting every match they start losing.
First up, as any fourteen year old Games Master reader knows, teh grafix are everything. In this regard both games should taste the shame. FIFA's players bear the uncanniest resemblance to the House of the Dead zombies since the childhood trauma that was the terrifying approximation of Tim Henman in Virtua Tennis. An intro sequence depicting a John Terry with cardboard legs and eyeballs rolling into the back of his skull does little to further the FIFA cause. In fairness though, close-cam replays and some nice cutaways of players getting bitchy are impressive. Meanwhile, over in PES-land, Seabass and co are attempting to disprove the evidence of every sane persons eyesight by presenting us with a black Christiano Ronaldo. Er, what? Not satisfied with this, the bods at Konami have also transported all Pro Evo matches to Tatooine, two suns surely being the only reasonable explanation for the unearthly shadows and bizarre lighting effects on display. If you want to imagine what Pro Evo looks like, think of a budget PC game from 1998 with all the visual settings turned down to very low.
Away from graphics and, again, neither game is exactly mind melting in its awesomeness. The menus on display in FIFA are dark, endless and cluttered. Cutaways to a cardboard crowd so 2D it would shame Sega Worldwide Soccer are also inadvisable. This, however, is nothing compared to the sheer levels of ineptitude on display in Pro Evo. Last years version, of course, had two of the most retarded design decisions ever to sully the name of video games. Firstly, Konami decided a pleasant, normal view for penalties, where everyone could see clearly what was going on, was not acceptable. Oh no, obviously it would be preferable to place the camera in the bottom right hand corner of the goal net. Oh, sweet Jesus. Thanks to this 'sensational' innovation neither the penalty taker nor goalkeeper could see more than half the goal. Furthermore, if the ball was saved, or hit the post, the game would take a few moments to switch back to the normal view, meaning the ball would be effectively sitting in the goalmouth, with no-one able to do anything. Head-implodingly moronic. Oh, and they also made it so that the players form icons were the same colour as the menu. To approximately no-one's amazement this made them unreadable. I know, who'd a-thought it? Brilliant. Actually brilliant. Anyways, the big presentation innovations of PES this year are to remove these features. That's right, they are roughly right back where they were two years ago. Really pushing the football genre forward there guys.
Back in terms of gameplay, FIFA owns PES so brutally hard it hurts. PES has actually reached the point where it can't even scrape mediocrity any more, it is simply just shit in its purest form. Let's check list the PES 'features' that STILL haven't been fixed. Inexplicable imposition of an invisible wall around throw-ins? Check. Only eight possible directions despite analogue being invented last millenium? Check. Goalkeepers who like to fumble the ball more often than a 49 year old Neville Southall? Check. Team mates standing stock still when you're practically on your knees begging them to fucking just make a run? Check. Angles from which you always score? Check. Players that look like they're having an epileptic fit when sprinting? Check. Commentary so shit you want to weep? Check. Pitches on which you can't see the ball? Check. The computer passing around its back four for half an hour only to then score from a corner? Check. The 'football' having all the physics of a balloon? Check. The game just being so utterly and completely broken that it makes you question your own sanity? Check.
FIFA, on the other hand, has none of these problems. It feels like some kind of approximation of real football at least, unlike PES which frankly could be simulating the underwater hermaphrodite long-jump for all its realism. FIFA also has Carlisle United, enabling everyone to live the five straight defeats dream.
Basically, FIFA is actually pretty good. It's fun to play, reasonably reminiscent of actual football, and has a lot of features. Tonnes of lower league teams, everything fully licensed and excellent online support (such as the ability to play 11v11). PES, on the other hand, has only a handful of licensed teams, so look out for such titans of the English game as 'Lake District United' striding out at the feared cauldron that is 'Trad Brick Stadium'. And, if its anything like every Pro Evo ever, it will be borderline unplayable online, with lag, broken game modes and ten year old Man Utd fans quitting every match they start losing.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Lonehead Mayflower - Of Bowels
Trawling the Prelinger Archives for public domain footage is pretty addictive. Here's a video I made from various clips, set to a dreary acoustic song I wrote.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
New Who: Series Four
Urgh. Last night I managed to waste an hour of my life watching Catherine Tate save the world by pulling random levers, Billie Piper single handedly invent a teleport system that enabled her to travel between dimensions (??) and a Time Lord and the Supreme Dalek argue over who closed a door. I am talking, of course, about the annual, and consistently abysmal, Doctor Who season finale. Last night's episode brought to an end perhaps the worst run in the shows 30 series history, although even I have to admit it has not yet quite plumbed the depths of the late Colin Baker/early Sylvester McCoy era just yet. Hence the best TV weekend ever (TM) got off to a bad start. Ah well, at least the F1 and tennis were awesome.
Hands up whose idea of a good plot is failed actors and z-list celebrities shouting nonsensical scientific mumbo-jumbo at each other? Oh, just you at the back then. Maybe someone should tell New Who 'mastermind' Russell T. Davies of the popularity of his ideal basis for a script. How on earth this man has managed to turn the imminent destruction of the entire universe into the most tedious television imaginable is quite incredible. Hence this quick list of what was wrong with season 4 closer 'Journey's End':
-Truly appalling resolution of the previous episodes cliffhanger
Rewind seven days back and it was all 'OMG the cast of rubbish spin-off Torchwood are gonna get killed by a Dalek!' and 'OMG the cast of rubbish spin-off Sarah Jane Adventures are gonna get killed by a Dalek!' and, most of all, 'OMG the Doctor is regenerating!'. Needless to say RTD, ever the genius writer, managed to tie up all three cliffhangers in, ooh, about thirty seconds. The Torchwood gang get protected from the Dalek by some kind of invisible force field. Which, hilariously, isn't explained at any point. You'll also be relieved to know that Sarah Jane didn't get exterminated either. Phew! You see, Billie Piper's family teleported in from another dimension at that exact moment, at that exact place. If that wasn't convenient enough they were also armed with guns that could kill Daleks. Lucky old Sarah Jane eh? So. Angry. Meanwhile, the Doctor put his regeneration energy into a jar, so didn't regenerate. Er, what the hell? In fairness though, it should be pointed out that the Doctor was going to regenerate because he had been shot by a Dalek. A Dalek that had been hiding behind a van. In a way this made me quite relieved. David Tenant having to regenerate because a Dalek had been chilling out behind a Ford Transit would have been down there with Colin Baker falling over as the lamest reason for a regeneration ever.
-Random weapons that make no sense
Comically shit character Martha Jones has a key that means she can fire 25 nuclear missiles simultaneously. Sounds pretty awesome, except she drops it on the floor and loses it. I wish I was making this up. Sarah Jane Smith, star of a CBBC spin-off for christsakes, has a necklace that can destroy an entire planet. Apparently she was given this by a 'Bavarian fortune-teller'. Hmmm. And while the Daleks are invulnerable to all weaponry the army can throw at them, as soon as Billie Piper turns up on the scene they can't wait to instantly explode at the first sight of her gun. Ooh-er.
-Mockery of a national treasure
The Daleks are a design icon, and the fact that they are just as popular now as they were in 1963 is a testament to their enduring appeal. While I've always personally rated the Cybermen as my favourite Who villain, the Daleks are most definitely close behind. And this is because of they're seeming invincibility, which I, and creator Terry Nation, saw as the key component of their success (as well as their alien yet fascist nature). Now, this is an area which I think the classic series of Who ignored to its cost. By the time people were defeating the Daleks by hanging a jumper over their head, any menace they may have possessed had evaporated. So, when New Who burst onto the scene, and the sons of Skaro made their first appearance in the brilliant sixth episode Dalek, I was delighted to see them taken seriously again. You genuinely believed that a single Dalek could wipe out the whole of North America such was its power. It also destroyed the myth about Daleks being unable to climb stairs once and for all (even though the excellent Remembrance of the Daleks had featured a flying Dalek over fifteen years previously). Unfortunately, RTD seems to have quickly forgotten the lessons afforded by classic Who, and we have again arrived at a junction where the Daleks possess no threat whatsoever. For example, Sarah Jane and Billie Piper having a conversation while rolling a spasming Dalek around like a wheelchair. Plus, it's become increasingly comical to view the Daleks swanning around their 'spaceship' (i.e. a set stolen straight from CBBC) claiming that 'no-one can stop us now!', only for the Doctor to inevitably, er, stop them.
-An increasingly irritating cast
Given how this was the series finale pretty much everyone had to be involved. Apparently. So, we had all my issues with New Who's cast of characters summed up in one episode. First up, David Tenant's portrayal of the Doctor. It seems the wacky side of Tom Baker is his main inspiration, cue three seasons of gurning and shouting. Now this is all well and good, but a little variety would perhaps be nice. I've always felt the underrated Patrick Troughton and Sylvester McCoy managed to convey the Doctor's eccentricity, yet simultaneously his knowledge, particularly well. Still, each to his own. Elsewhere in this episode we had Jack 'I'd Do Anything' Barrowman rolling out of bins (why does the Dalek mega death-star thing have bins??), Billie 'What the hell is wrong with her mouth' Piper failing to act her way out of a paper bag, and Catherine Tate.
Now, a confession. As any sane Whovian would I greeted the news of Tate's appointment with a repeated slitting of my wrists. Basing my judgement of her upon 'The Catherine Tate Show', a programme pretty much representing humanity's lowest ebb, I decreed that she would be the worst companion of all-time. And yes, that includes Adric. Well, I have been proven wrong. She is actually a really, really good actress. When the scripts allowed her to she shone, however most of the time the writers seemed to have her sketch show characters in mind and penned a load of shouting. Urgh. And only in Doctor Who would Bernard Cribbins effectively confessing to David Tenant that he wanks over him at night be considered an acceptable end to a series.
-The music
The New Who soundtrack has always been terrible, but Murray Goldman plumbed new depths in this episode. At one stage I was actually reduced to laughter as an utterly tedious 'emotional' scene in the TARDIS was sound tracked by what appeared to be music lifted straight from a spaghetti western. So, so bizarre. Another trademark of Mr Goldman is as soon as anything resembling action appears on screen he increases the music to almost deafening levels. This occurred once again in this final episode, most memorably in a scene where some random German woman is pointing a gun at Martha Jones for no discernible reason. Incredibly this ridiculously loud music continued even after the gun had been put away, meaning the ensuing conversation was almost inaudible. And don't get me started on the current version of the theme music. The original Doctor Who theme is quite simply the greatest of any television show ever, minimalist and utterly alien. The new version completely misses the point as Murray 'loudest is bestest' Goldman enlists an entire orchestra to assist him in the desecration of a classic. God I hate that man.
-Deus-ex machina
Actually, RTD's scripts have now become so bad endless examples of deus-ex machina are no longer good enough for him. Oh no. Instead we now have a phenomena last seen in the darkest days of Pertwee, in which every episode is resolved with a character info-dumping that they 'defeated the bad monsters by intriangulating the post lateral current into the redux compressor in order to overload the mega proton chip' or some such nonsense. In this regard the final episode really took the piss. I still have no idea whatsoever how the Daleks were defeated. All I know is that Catherine Tate became a Time Lord (cough), but beyond that her explanation was just endless scientific jargon that doesn't even make any sense to RTD. Writing that is sensationally lazy, and insulting to the audience who have tuned in for an hour of this shit. How this episode is seemingly heading to be the highest rated TV show of the week I have no idea.
In fact, the whole series was just rubbish. Continuing New Who's mockery of the classic enemies (think the Master, Autons, Cybermen) we had the badly redesigned Sontarans planning to take over the Earth by, er, locking people in their cars. And then there was The Doctor's Daughter. Words really can't do justice to this one. Let's just say it takes incomprehensible awfulness to a whole new level. On the plus side, the 'daughter' was really hot, and apparently auditioned for the role of Rose. Damn you Piper! Elsewhere, it was nice to see Gareth Roberts, author of classic Missing Adventure novels such as The English Way of Death, be given an episode. He duly obliged with the enjoyable The Unicorn and the Wasp. Still, this was a rare highlight of a miserable series. Essentially, the season was summed up by the RTD penned Midnight. A brilliant concept, a sort of sci-fi twist on the Lord of the Flies, managed to become, in RTD's hands, 45 minutes of people shouting at each other.
However, to be clear, I am not complaining. Thinking back it is utterly bizarre that at school I was obsessed with some dodgy sci-fi show that was cancelled when I was barely a year old. A programme that I was almost in tears over when that theme music kicked in on the very first episode of it's resurrection, a moment I thought I would never see. I'm glad it's back on TV. Yet, that doesn't mean it doesn't have its flaws. The show is unmistakeably hamstrung by it's slot on a Saturday night. Essentially it has to be designed for an audience enraptured by such rubbish as the National Lottery and Fame Academy. It is difficult for it to satisfy hardcore nerds such as myself in this position. Just look back at the final two seasons of the classic series. After a difficult few years the show was undoubtedly back on form, and it was two years of brilliant episodes. However, it was up against Coronation Street, was predictably pulverised in the ratings, and finally cancelled after 26 years. This is the problem Doctor Who still faces today. It has to pander to the unimaginative morons who tune in to soaps every day, the same people who when confronted by science fiction instantly dismiss it because its 'unrealistic' and their tiny brains can't cope with it.
As a result of this dumbing down for a mainstream audience, every year numerous episodes pass by me that are beyond shit, and leave me wondering why I still rush home at 7 for this crap. Then suddenly, from nowhere, an utterly incredible instalment is broadcast which reminds me why I'm in love with the show in the first place. Last year it was the frankly exquisite Human Nature/Family of Blood two-parter, and this year it was Silence in the Library, penned by the consistently awesome Stephen Moffat, making it four out of four awesome stories for him. And guess who is taking over RTD's chair as the man in charge of Doctor Who for (the now delayed) series 5? Ooh yeah, Moffat baby. I'm hyped.
Hands up whose idea of a good plot is failed actors and z-list celebrities shouting nonsensical scientific mumbo-jumbo at each other? Oh, just you at the back then. Maybe someone should tell New Who 'mastermind' Russell T. Davies of the popularity of his ideal basis for a script. How on earth this man has managed to turn the imminent destruction of the entire universe into the most tedious television imaginable is quite incredible. Hence this quick list of what was wrong with season 4 closer 'Journey's End':
-Truly appalling resolution of the previous episodes cliffhanger
Rewind seven days back and it was all 'OMG the cast of rubbish spin-off Torchwood are gonna get killed by a Dalek!' and 'OMG the cast of rubbish spin-off Sarah Jane Adventures are gonna get killed by a Dalek!' and, most of all, 'OMG the Doctor is regenerating!'. Needless to say RTD, ever the genius writer, managed to tie up all three cliffhangers in, ooh, about thirty seconds. The Torchwood gang get protected from the Dalek by some kind of invisible force field. Which, hilariously, isn't explained at any point. You'll also be relieved to know that Sarah Jane didn't get exterminated either. Phew! You see, Billie Piper's family teleported in from another dimension at that exact moment, at that exact place. If that wasn't convenient enough they were also armed with guns that could kill Daleks. Lucky old Sarah Jane eh? So. Angry. Meanwhile, the Doctor put his regeneration energy into a jar, so didn't regenerate. Er, what the hell? In fairness though, it should be pointed out that the Doctor was going to regenerate because he had been shot by a Dalek. A Dalek that had been hiding behind a van. In a way this made me quite relieved. David Tenant having to regenerate because a Dalek had been chilling out behind a Ford Transit would have been down there with Colin Baker falling over as the lamest reason for a regeneration ever.
-Random weapons that make no sense
Comically shit character Martha Jones has a key that means she can fire 25 nuclear missiles simultaneously. Sounds pretty awesome, except she drops it on the floor and loses it. I wish I was making this up. Sarah Jane Smith, star of a CBBC spin-off for christsakes, has a necklace that can destroy an entire planet. Apparently she was given this by a 'Bavarian fortune-teller'. Hmmm. And while the Daleks are invulnerable to all weaponry the army can throw at them, as soon as Billie Piper turns up on the scene they can't wait to instantly explode at the first sight of her gun. Ooh-er.
-Mockery of a national treasure
The Daleks are a design icon, and the fact that they are just as popular now as they were in 1963 is a testament to their enduring appeal. While I've always personally rated the Cybermen as my favourite Who villain, the Daleks are most definitely close behind. And this is because of they're seeming invincibility, which I, and creator Terry Nation, saw as the key component of their success (as well as their alien yet fascist nature). Now, this is an area which I think the classic series of Who ignored to its cost. By the time people were defeating the Daleks by hanging a jumper over their head, any menace they may have possessed had evaporated. So, when New Who burst onto the scene, and the sons of Skaro made their first appearance in the brilliant sixth episode Dalek, I was delighted to see them taken seriously again. You genuinely believed that a single Dalek could wipe out the whole of North America such was its power. It also destroyed the myth about Daleks being unable to climb stairs once and for all (even though the excellent Remembrance of the Daleks had featured a flying Dalek over fifteen years previously). Unfortunately, RTD seems to have quickly forgotten the lessons afforded by classic Who, and we have again arrived at a junction where the Daleks possess no threat whatsoever. For example, Sarah Jane and Billie Piper having a conversation while rolling a spasming Dalek around like a wheelchair. Plus, it's become increasingly comical to view the Daleks swanning around their 'spaceship' (i.e. a set stolen straight from CBBC) claiming that 'no-one can stop us now!', only for the Doctor to inevitably, er, stop them.
-An increasingly irritating cast
Given how this was the series finale pretty much everyone had to be involved. Apparently. So, we had all my issues with New Who's cast of characters summed up in one episode. First up, David Tenant's portrayal of the Doctor. It seems the wacky side of Tom Baker is his main inspiration, cue three seasons of gurning and shouting. Now this is all well and good, but a little variety would perhaps be nice. I've always felt the underrated Patrick Troughton and Sylvester McCoy managed to convey the Doctor's eccentricity, yet simultaneously his knowledge, particularly well. Still, each to his own. Elsewhere in this episode we had Jack 'I'd Do Anything' Barrowman rolling out of bins (why does the Dalek mega death-star thing have bins??), Billie 'What the hell is wrong with her mouth' Piper failing to act her way out of a paper bag, and Catherine Tate.
Now, a confession. As any sane Whovian would I greeted the news of Tate's appointment with a repeated slitting of my wrists. Basing my judgement of her upon 'The Catherine Tate Show', a programme pretty much representing humanity's lowest ebb, I decreed that she would be the worst companion of all-time. And yes, that includes Adric. Well, I have been proven wrong. She is actually a really, really good actress. When the scripts allowed her to she shone, however most of the time the writers seemed to have her sketch show characters in mind and penned a load of shouting. Urgh. And only in Doctor Who would Bernard Cribbins effectively confessing to David Tenant that he wanks over him at night be considered an acceptable end to a series.
-The music
The New Who soundtrack has always been terrible, but Murray Goldman plumbed new depths in this episode. At one stage I was actually reduced to laughter as an utterly tedious 'emotional' scene in the TARDIS was sound tracked by what appeared to be music lifted straight from a spaghetti western. So, so bizarre. Another trademark of Mr Goldman is as soon as anything resembling action appears on screen he increases the music to almost deafening levels. This occurred once again in this final episode, most memorably in a scene where some random German woman is pointing a gun at Martha Jones for no discernible reason. Incredibly this ridiculously loud music continued even after the gun had been put away, meaning the ensuing conversation was almost inaudible. And don't get me started on the current version of the theme music. The original Doctor Who theme is quite simply the greatest of any television show ever, minimalist and utterly alien. The new version completely misses the point as Murray 'loudest is bestest' Goldman enlists an entire orchestra to assist him in the desecration of a classic. God I hate that man.
-Deus-ex machina
Actually, RTD's scripts have now become so bad endless examples of deus-ex machina are no longer good enough for him. Oh no. Instead we now have a phenomena last seen in the darkest days of Pertwee, in which every episode is resolved with a character info-dumping that they 'defeated the bad monsters by intriangulating the post lateral current into the redux compressor in order to overload the mega proton chip' or some such nonsense. In this regard the final episode really took the piss. I still have no idea whatsoever how the Daleks were defeated. All I know is that Catherine Tate became a Time Lord (cough), but beyond that her explanation was just endless scientific jargon that doesn't even make any sense to RTD. Writing that is sensationally lazy, and insulting to the audience who have tuned in for an hour of this shit. How this episode is seemingly heading to be the highest rated TV show of the week I have no idea.
In fact, the whole series was just rubbish. Continuing New Who's mockery of the classic enemies (think the Master, Autons, Cybermen) we had the badly redesigned Sontarans planning to take over the Earth by, er, locking people in their cars. And then there was The Doctor's Daughter. Words really can't do justice to this one. Let's just say it takes incomprehensible awfulness to a whole new level. On the plus side, the 'daughter' was really hot, and apparently auditioned for the role of Rose. Damn you Piper! Elsewhere, it was nice to see Gareth Roberts, author of classic Missing Adventure novels such as The English Way of Death, be given an episode. He duly obliged with the enjoyable The Unicorn and the Wasp. Still, this was a rare highlight of a miserable series. Essentially, the season was summed up by the RTD penned Midnight. A brilliant concept, a sort of sci-fi twist on the Lord of the Flies, managed to become, in RTD's hands, 45 minutes of people shouting at each other.
However, to be clear, I am not complaining. Thinking back it is utterly bizarre that at school I was obsessed with some dodgy sci-fi show that was cancelled when I was barely a year old. A programme that I was almost in tears over when that theme music kicked in on the very first episode of it's resurrection, a moment I thought I would never see. I'm glad it's back on TV. Yet, that doesn't mean it doesn't have its flaws. The show is unmistakeably hamstrung by it's slot on a Saturday night. Essentially it has to be designed for an audience enraptured by such rubbish as the National Lottery and Fame Academy. It is difficult for it to satisfy hardcore nerds such as myself in this position. Just look back at the final two seasons of the classic series. After a difficult few years the show was undoubtedly back on form, and it was two years of brilliant episodes. However, it was up against Coronation Street, was predictably pulverised in the ratings, and finally cancelled after 26 years. This is the problem Doctor Who still faces today. It has to pander to the unimaginative morons who tune in to soaps every day, the same people who when confronted by science fiction instantly dismiss it because its 'unrealistic' and their tiny brains can't cope with it.
As a result of this dumbing down for a mainstream audience, every year numerous episodes pass by me that are beyond shit, and leave me wondering why I still rush home at 7 for this crap. Then suddenly, from nowhere, an utterly incredible instalment is broadcast which reminds me why I'm in love with the show in the first place. Last year it was the frankly exquisite Human Nature/Family of Blood two-parter, and this year it was Silence in the Library, penned by the consistently awesome Stephen Moffat, making it four out of four awesome stories for him. And guess who is taking over RTD's chair as the man in charge of Doctor Who for (the now delayed) series 5? Ooh yeah, Moffat baby. I'm hyped.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
New Balls Please lololololol
Rad photoblog action coming up, documenting my thrilling trip to SW19 to see who is the best at hitting a small yellow ball over a net. As I was telling my tennis buddy Chris 'Mad Eyes' Collins, this trip made me the first person to leave my village since 1968. Back then, or so the tale goes, Big Dave the Peg Leg entered the Forest of No Return and, er, never returned. So it was crucial that I took some advice from Roger the Elder before setting off on my journey to the Big Smoke.
''Hark,'' said Roger the Elder (for it is he), ''the people of London are better than you. They are more highly evolved. No longer do they merely wave in greeting as us simple Mud Men do. Instead, given their heightened sophistication, they choose instead to stab each other. And wheras as us pathetic Mud Men who dwell in the wilderness must travel for long periods to reach our desired destination, the Londoner must, um, also do this...huh.''
At this point Roger the Elder was becoming tedious, so with a joyful slap of his bald head I began my journey to a land where the streets are paved with gold...
KK. Here's me engrossed in some TV tennis action beforehand. Y'know to amp up the anticipation. My favourite commentator is obviously Greg 'The Moose' Rudeski who routinely offers up some very insightful analysis. ''He'd really like to get this second serve in'' and ''Nadal wants to win this!!!'' are all valid points, that I would not have realised without being told so by some random Canadian.
Here's my ticket out of Mudville and into the Big Smoke! Er, hence the thumbs-up. The main highlights of the train journey were the lack of Zoltan and some random guy shouting ''you are a very rude gentleman'' at someone.
Wow. Anyone with a ticket fetish will be doing something to themselves over this blog. Somewhere on this document there were security warnings about how your bag had to be a certain size and stuff. Unfortunately for Chris 'Mad Hair' Collins he did not heed them. As a result, when he arrived at Wimbledon his bag was larger than the regulations allowed. So, a guard had to publicly search said bag for illicit items. At this point various, shall we say, 'personal' belongings of Chris 'Mad Ears' Collins were on display for all to see. Like everyone else, the guard was naturally repulsed by the stacks of hardcore man-on-armadillo pornography Chris had felt the need to bring to the tennis. Therefore, and in a decision I fully support, the bag was incinerated in front of Collins' very eyes. There is a lesson in this for us all: can we not at least last a day without lewd armadillo images?
Ooh, now it's really kicking off. This is me seeing if my camera's flash was on. By, um, taking a picture of the back of someones head. It took a long time to get to this point, mainly because I managed to get utterly lost on my way to the tennis looking for the mythical 'Bap Lane' (true story). Poor Chris 'Mad Dog' Collins had to wait forever for me to finally turn up after I had succeeded in wandering around suburbs and graveyards for what seemed like hours. Amazingly I managed to repeat this trick on the way back, inadvertently walking to Wandsworth which was literally miles from where I was meant to be. Still...back to the photo, the old woman on this lady's right got up to some consistently hilarious shenanigans, a number of photographs of which appear later in this blog!1!1!1
Here's Venus Williams, getting ready to annihilate some random Spanish girl. I think it was in this match that a ball boy fell over? Hilarious and definitely worth the entrance fee alone.
Yeah, this is the Spanish player preparing to get owned. Chris 'Mad Bag' Collins didn't want Venus to win. Make of that what you will...
Haha, now this was kinda gay. For some reason I took loads of pictures of this line judge. There's no point in even uploading anymore, this one pretty much sums them all up. Thinking back it's kinda bizarre, I mean there were far funnier line judges, such as the jumbo sized woman and the old man who every time he wheezed 'out' sounded like he was seconds from heart failure.
Check out this mass exodus of people, desperate to get home in time for the penultimate episode of Doctor Who. Probably.
This was the game after Venus had won in like 10 seconds. It was actually a good match, Gasquet stormed into a two set lead, Simon scraped the third set on a tie-break, before one more break proved good enough for Gasquet in the fourth. Unfortunately, me and Chris 'Mad Shirt' Collins were too hyped for the match we knew was to follow (i.e. we were going to get to see Jamie Murray's epic afro) and just spent the whole of this match desperate for it to end.
Here's the two players. Apart from a slight wobble at the end of the third set/start of the fourth Gasquet looked pretty good. He's got Andy Murray in the next round and I reckon will prove more of a test for Jamie's inferior brother than many people are expecting.
This is the comedy grandma I was talking about earlier. She was sat in front of us and basically just seemed to have an endless supply of cans of Carling which she was downing. Chris 'Mad Spine' Collins wanted to have a photo taken with her. It didn't turn out too well (why didn't he just look at the camera?) but the can of Carling took priority over any pictures of the Collins.
117 mph. Chris 'Mad Dad' Collins got a shot of a 130mph+ effort, so won this contest. Incidentally, the other day Nadal hit a backhand at 109mph. !!!
Oh yes. The moment everyone had been waiting for, as Jamie Murray's legendary afro makes its way onto court. Not a great photo this one, but trust me, once the hairband is on it gets epic.
The hairband is on! Aside from this though, doubles kinda does my head in. It goes on forever and the endless high fiving at every opportunity is really annoying. Like, Jamie Murray hits the ball out the stadium and his partner is still running over to high five him. Rubbish.
This is an OK picture. I'm kinda disappointed with how the afro has turned out in these shots. Trust me, in real life it proves an inspiration to us all.
Chris 'Mad Lib' Collins and a roof. What more could you want? Some random middle-class woman too? Oh, go on then.
As the doubles degenerated into four sweaty men high-fiving every thirty seconds yet more cans of Carling began to appear.
Ooh, Carling, but in a glass. Movin' up in the world...
Here's Jamie Murray taking a break from carting that massive hair around the court. While this dismal excuse for tennis was unfolding before our horrified eyes, over on Centre Court 'Virtua Tennis' legend Tommy Haas was getting soundly beaten by Scottish dullard Andy Murray. Boo.
And this is how the day came to an end. A silhouetted grandma on her 9th pint, while Jamie Murray, a Chinese man with big socks, and two Russians who kept whispering in each others ears rally for eternity before us. Doctor Who was on in an hour. It was time to get the hell out.
But, as with all photoblogs, some important lessons had been learnt. That Knight child is German, not British. A grown man has wandered up to the fixtures board and gone ''Kiefer versus Nadal! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha''. And walking around the endless suburbs of London for hours on end is not much fun. Marcus out.
''Hark,'' said Roger the Elder (for it is he), ''the people of London are better than you. They are more highly evolved. No longer do they merely wave in greeting as us simple Mud Men do. Instead, given their heightened sophistication, they choose instead to stab each other. And wheras as us pathetic Mud Men who dwell in the wilderness must travel for long periods to reach our desired destination, the Londoner must, um, also do this...huh.''
At this point Roger the Elder was becoming tedious, so with a joyful slap of his bald head I began my journey to a land where the streets are paved with gold...
KK. Here's me engrossed in some TV tennis action beforehand. Y'know to amp up the anticipation. My favourite commentator is obviously Greg 'The Moose' Rudeski who routinely offers up some very insightful analysis. ''He'd really like to get this second serve in'' and ''Nadal wants to win this!!!'' are all valid points, that I would not have realised without being told so by some random Canadian.
Here's my ticket out of Mudville and into the Big Smoke! Er, hence the thumbs-up. The main highlights of the train journey were the lack of Zoltan and some random guy shouting ''you are a very rude gentleman'' at someone.
Wow. Anyone with a ticket fetish will be doing something to themselves over this blog. Somewhere on this document there were security warnings about how your bag had to be a certain size and stuff. Unfortunately for Chris 'Mad Hair' Collins he did not heed them. As a result, when he arrived at Wimbledon his bag was larger than the regulations allowed. So, a guard had to publicly search said bag for illicit items. At this point various, shall we say, 'personal' belongings of Chris 'Mad Ears' Collins were on display for all to see. Like everyone else, the guard was naturally repulsed by the stacks of hardcore man-on-armadillo pornography Chris had felt the need to bring to the tennis. Therefore, and in a decision I fully support, the bag was incinerated in front of Collins' very eyes. There is a lesson in this for us all: can we not at least last a day without lewd armadillo images?
Ooh, now it's really kicking off. This is me seeing if my camera's flash was on. By, um, taking a picture of the back of someones head. It took a long time to get to this point, mainly because I managed to get utterly lost on my way to the tennis looking for the mythical 'Bap Lane' (true story). Poor Chris 'Mad Dog' Collins had to wait forever for me to finally turn up after I had succeeded in wandering around suburbs and graveyards for what seemed like hours. Amazingly I managed to repeat this trick on the way back, inadvertently walking to Wandsworth which was literally miles from where I was meant to be. Still...back to the photo, the old woman on this lady's right got up to some consistently hilarious shenanigans, a number of photographs of which appear later in this blog!1!1!1
Here's Venus Williams, getting ready to annihilate some random Spanish girl. I think it was in this match that a ball boy fell over? Hilarious and definitely worth the entrance fee alone.
Yeah, this is the Spanish player preparing to get owned. Chris 'Mad Bag' Collins didn't want Venus to win. Make of that what you will...
Haha, now this was kinda gay. For some reason I took loads of pictures of this line judge. There's no point in even uploading anymore, this one pretty much sums them all up. Thinking back it's kinda bizarre, I mean there were far funnier line judges, such as the jumbo sized woman and the old man who every time he wheezed 'out' sounded like he was seconds from heart failure.
Check out this mass exodus of people, desperate to get home in time for the penultimate episode of Doctor Who. Probably.
This was the game after Venus had won in like 10 seconds. It was actually a good match, Gasquet stormed into a two set lead, Simon scraped the third set on a tie-break, before one more break proved good enough for Gasquet in the fourth. Unfortunately, me and Chris 'Mad Shirt' Collins were too hyped for the match we knew was to follow (i.e. we were going to get to see Jamie Murray's epic afro) and just spent the whole of this match desperate for it to end.
Here's the two players. Apart from a slight wobble at the end of the third set/start of the fourth Gasquet looked pretty good. He's got Andy Murray in the next round and I reckon will prove more of a test for Jamie's inferior brother than many people are expecting.
This is the comedy grandma I was talking about earlier. She was sat in front of us and basically just seemed to have an endless supply of cans of Carling which she was downing. Chris 'Mad Spine' Collins wanted to have a photo taken with her. It didn't turn out too well (why didn't he just look at the camera?) but the can of Carling took priority over any pictures of the Collins.
117 mph. Chris 'Mad Dad' Collins got a shot of a 130mph+ effort, so won this contest. Incidentally, the other day Nadal hit a backhand at 109mph. !!!
Oh yes. The moment everyone had been waiting for, as Jamie Murray's legendary afro makes its way onto court. Not a great photo this one, but trust me, once the hairband is on it gets epic.
The hairband is on! Aside from this though, doubles kinda does my head in. It goes on forever and the endless high fiving at every opportunity is really annoying. Like, Jamie Murray hits the ball out the stadium and his partner is still running over to high five him. Rubbish.
This is an OK picture. I'm kinda disappointed with how the afro has turned out in these shots. Trust me, in real life it proves an inspiration to us all.
Chris 'Mad Lib' Collins and a roof. What more could you want? Some random middle-class woman too? Oh, go on then.
As the doubles degenerated into four sweaty men high-fiving every thirty seconds yet more cans of Carling began to appear.
Ooh, Carling, but in a glass. Movin' up in the world...
Here's Jamie Murray taking a break from carting that massive hair around the court. While this dismal excuse for tennis was unfolding before our horrified eyes, over on Centre Court 'Virtua Tennis' legend Tommy Haas was getting soundly beaten by Scottish dullard Andy Murray. Boo.
And this is how the day came to an end. A silhouetted grandma on her 9th pint, while Jamie Murray, a Chinese man with big socks, and two Russians who kept whispering in each others ears rally for eternity before us. Doctor Who was on in an hour. It was time to get the hell out.But, as with all photoblogs, some important lessons had been learnt. That Knight child is German, not British. A grown man has wandered up to the fixtures board and gone ''Kiefer versus Nadal! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha''. And walking around the endless suburbs of London for hours on end is not much fun. Marcus out.
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