New Who: Series Four

Urgh. Last night I managed to waste an hour of my life watching Catherine Tate save the world by pulling random levers, Billie Piper single handedly invent a teleport system that enabled her to travel between dimensions (??) and a Time Lord and the Supreme Dalek argue over who closed a door. I am talking, of course, about the annual, and consistently abysmal, Doctor Who season finale. Last night's episode brought to an end perhaps the worst run in the shows 30 series history, although even I have to admit it has not yet quite plumbed the depths of the late Colin Baker/early Sylvester McCoy era just yet. Hence the best TV weekend ever (TM) got off to a bad start. Ah well, at least the F1 and tennis were awesome.

Hands up whose idea of a good plot is failed actors and z-list celebrities shouting nonsensical scientific mumbo-jumbo at each other? Oh, just you at the back then. Maybe someone should tell New Who 'mastermind' Russell T. Davies of the popularity of his ideal basis for a script. How on earth this man has managed to turn the imminent destruction of the entire universe into the most tedious television imaginable is quite incredible. Hence this quick list of what was wrong with season 4 closer 'Journey's End':

-Truly appalling resolution of the previous episodes cliffhanger
Rewind seven days back and it was all 'OMG the cast of rubbish spin-off Torchwood are gonna get killed by a Dalek!' and 'OMG the cast of rubbish spin-off Sarah Jane Adventures are gonna get killed by a Dalek!' and, most of all, 'OMG the Doctor is regenerating!'. Needless to say RTD, ever the genius writer, managed to tie up all three cliffhangers in, ooh, about thirty seconds. The Torchwood gang get protected from the Dalek by some kind of invisible force field. Which, hilariously, isn't explained at any point. You'll also be relieved to know that Sarah Jane didn't get exterminated either. Phew! You see, Billie Piper's family teleported in from another dimension at that exact moment, at that exact place. If that wasn't convenient enough they were also armed with guns that could kill Daleks. Lucky old Sarah Jane eh? So. Angry. Meanwhile, the Doctor put his regeneration energy into a jar, so didn't regenerate. Er, what the hell? In fairness though, it should be pointed out that the Doctor was going to regenerate because he had been shot by a Dalek. A Dalek that had been hiding behind a van. In a way this made me quite relieved. David Tenant having to regenerate because a Dalek had been chilling out behind a Ford Transit would have been down there with Colin Baker falling over as the lamest reason for a regeneration ever.

-Random weapons that make no sense
Comically shit character Martha Jones has a key that means she can fire 25 nuclear missiles simultaneously. Sounds pretty awesome, except she drops it on the floor and loses it. I wish I was making this up. Sarah Jane Smith, star of a CBBC spin-off for christsakes, has a necklace that can destroy an entire planet. Apparently she was given this by a 'Bavarian fortune-teller'. Hmmm. And while the Daleks are invulnerable to all weaponry the army can throw at them, as soon as Billie Piper turns up on the scene they can't wait to instantly explode at the first sight of her gun. Ooh-er.

-Mockery of a national treasure
The Daleks are a design icon, and the fact that they are just as popular now as they were in 1963 is a testament to their enduring appeal. While I've always personally rated the Cybermen as my favourite Who villain, the Daleks are most definitely close behind. And this is because of they're seeming invincibility, which I, and creator Terry Nation, saw as the key component of their success (as well as their alien yet fascist nature). Now, this is an area which I think the classic series of Who ignored to its cost. By the time people were defeating the Daleks by hanging a jumper over their head, any menace they may have possessed had evaporated. So, when New Who burst onto the scene, and the sons of Skaro made their first appearance in the brilliant sixth episode Dalek, I was delighted to see them taken seriously again. You genuinely believed that a single Dalek could wipe out the whole of North America such was its power. It also destroyed the myth about Daleks being unable to climb stairs once and for all (even though the excellent Remembrance of the Daleks had featured a flying Dalek over fifteen years previously). Unfortunately, RTD seems to have quickly forgotten the lessons afforded by classic Who, and we have again arrived at a junction where the Daleks possess no threat whatsoever. For example, Sarah Jane and Billie Piper having a conversation while rolling a spasming Dalek around like a wheelchair. Plus, it's become increasingly comical to view the Daleks swanning around their 'spaceship' (i.e. a set stolen straight from CBBC) claiming that 'no-one can stop us now!', only for the Doctor to inevitably, er, stop them.

-An increasingly irritating cast
Given how this was the series finale pretty much everyone had to be involved. Apparently. So, we had all my issues with New Who's cast of characters summed up in one episode. First up, David Tenant's portrayal of the Doctor. It seems the wacky side of Tom Baker is his main inspiration, cue three seasons of gurning and shouting. Now this is all well and good, but a little variety would perhaps be nice. I've always felt the underrated Patrick Troughton and Sylvester McCoy managed to convey the Doctor's eccentricity, yet simultaneously his knowledge, particularly well. Still, each to his own. Elsewhere in this episode we had Jack 'I'd Do Anything' Barrowman rolling out of bins (why does the Dalek mega death-star thing have bins??), Billie 'What the hell is wrong with her mouth' Piper failing to act her way out of a paper bag, and Catherine Tate.

Now, a confession. As any sane Whovian would I greeted the news of Tate's appointment with a repeated slitting of my wrists. Basing my judgement of her upon 'The Catherine Tate Show', a programme pretty much representing humanity's lowest ebb, I decreed that she would be the worst companion of all-time. And yes, that includes Adric. Well, I have been proven wrong. She is actually a really, really good actress. When the scripts allowed her to she shone, however most of the time the writers seemed to have her sketch show characters in mind and penned a load of shouting. Urgh. And only in Doctor Who would Bernard Cribbins effectively confessing to David Tenant that he wanks over him at night be considered an acceptable end to a series.

-The music
The New Who soundtrack has always been terrible, but Murray Goldman plumbed new depths in this episode. At one stage I was actually reduced to laughter as an utterly tedious 'emotional' scene in the TARDIS was sound tracked by what appeared to be music lifted straight from a spaghetti western. So, so bizarre. Another trademark of Mr Goldman is as soon as anything resembling action appears on screen he increases the music to almost deafening levels. This occurred once again in this final episode, most memorably in a scene where some random German woman is pointing a gun at Martha Jones for no discernible reason. Incredibly this ridiculously loud music continued even after the gun had been put away, meaning the ensuing conversation was almost inaudible. And don't get me started on the current version of the theme music. The original Doctor Who theme is quite simply the greatest of any television show ever, minimalist and utterly alien. The new version completely misses the point as Murray 'loudest is bestest' Goldman enlists an entire orchestra to assist him in the desecration of a classic. God I hate that man.

-Deus-ex machina
Actually, RTD's scripts have now become so bad endless examples of deus-ex machina are no longer good enough for him. Oh no. Instead we now have a phenomena last seen in the darkest days of Pertwee, in which every episode is resolved with a character info-dumping that they 'defeated the bad monsters by intriangulating the post lateral current into the redux compressor in order to overload the mega proton chip' or some such nonsense. In this regard the final episode really took the piss. I still have no idea whatsoever how the Daleks were defeated. All I know is that Catherine Tate became a Time Lord (cough), but beyond that her explanation was just endless scientific jargon that doesn't even make any sense to RTD. Writing that is sensationally lazy, and insulting to the audience who have tuned in for an hour of this shit. How this episode is seemingly heading to be the highest rated TV show of the week I have no idea.


In fact, the whole series was just rubbish. Continuing New Who's mockery of the classic enemies (think the Master, Autons, Cybermen) we had the badly redesigned Sontarans planning to take over the Earth by, er, locking people in their cars. And then there was The Doctor's Daughter. Words really can't do justice to this one. Let's just say it takes incomprehensible awfulness to a whole new level. On the plus side, the 'daughter' was really hot, and apparently auditioned for the role of Rose. Damn you Piper! Elsewhere, it was nice to see Gareth Roberts, author of classic Missing Adventure novels such as The English Way of Death, be given an episode. He duly obliged with the enjoyable The Unicorn and the Wasp. Still, this was a rare highlight of a miserable series. Essentially, the season was summed up by the RTD penned Midnight. A brilliant concept, a sort of sci-fi twist on the Lord of the Flies, managed to become, in RTD's hands, 45 minutes of people shouting at each other.

However, to be clear, I am not complaining. Thinking back it is utterly bizarre that at school I was obsessed with some dodgy sci-fi show that was cancelled when I was barely a year old. A programme that I was almost in tears over when that theme music kicked in on the very first episode of it's resurrection, a moment I thought I would never see. I'm glad it's back on TV. Yet, that doesn't mean it doesn't have its flaws. The show is unmistakeably hamstrung by it's slot on a Saturday night. Essentially it has to be designed for an audience enraptured by such rubbish as the National Lottery and Fame Academy. It is difficult for it to satisfy hardcore nerds such as myself in this position. Just look back at the final two seasons of the classic series. After a difficult few years the show was undoubtedly back on form, and it was two years of brilliant episodes. However, it was up against Coronation Street, was predictably pulverised in the ratings, and finally cancelled after 26 years. This is the problem Doctor Who still faces today. It has to pander to the unimaginative morons who tune in to soaps every day, the same people who when confronted by science fiction instantly dismiss it because its 'unrealistic' and their tiny brains can't cope with it.

As a result of this dumbing down for a mainstream audience, every year numerous episodes pass by me that are beyond shit, and leave me wondering why I still rush home at 7 for this crap. Then suddenly, from nowhere, an utterly incredible instalment is broadcast which reminds me why I'm in love with the show in the first place. Last year it was the frankly exquisite Human Nature/Family of Blood two-parter, and this year it was Silence in the Library, penned by the consistently awesome Stephen Moffat, making it four out of four awesome stories for him. And guess who is taking over RTD's chair as the man in charge of Doctor Who for (the now delayed) series 5? Ooh yeah, Moffat baby. I'm hyped.